giving in but not giving up

Just the last coupla days, I have given in. But I have not given up.

I have had chronic fatigue for ten years now. Someone asked me recently how I deal with a chronic illness. I replied that I have an optimistic outlook and I believe things will get better for me and one day I will be if not cured, at least fitter than I am now and the illness will be more manageable.

Over the Christmas break, when we went from the east coast of Australia to the west, where we have family, I have been much better than I expected I would be. I had thought that the long journey would tire me and that a higher level of interaction with people such as happens at Christmas and New Year would exhaust me. But not so, things went very well. While over there, I started my walking again, even though the temperatures hit nearly 45 deg C for some days running – but I walked in the morning and avoided the later heat.

These were not long walks by most peoples’ standards – just, for me, a relatively brisk walk for 15 minutes. I worked hard not to walk too much each day, but to do it every day and i felt the effect on my legs immediately. Muscle wastage is a real concern so it was encouraging to feel my legs responding positively to the exercise, and to delight that I was become more sprightly (although that again is a relative term).

It is often difficult to work out what makes my system respond badly, and for me to have a bit of a setback. It may be that yesterday, now we are back on the east coast, was a very humid day and I had been a little tired all day. I had not done my walk in the morning (I am never good in the morning) as I felt it might push me over that fine line between the benefit of graduated exercise and the malaise of over-exertion. But the afternoon seemed a little cooler and I was keen to do my walk, to keep it going. So off I went, but laboured a little on the last hill back home.

And I paid for it today. Felt quite bad after a disturbed and troubled night. So I did not go out for my walk although it was cool (but pouring with rain). And I have done little today. I have needed to lie down three or four times. I did a little house work late afternoon, about 20 minutes vacuuming. That made me realise I should do no more.

So I gave in to the fatigue. But I have not given up.